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我是在一个小县城的校园里度过11岁到17岁的。学校、家庭、社会,被切开的各自时段被街区和道路连接着。自身情况有些特殊:早两年上学又少读一年,比同班学生总小两三岁,发育直到大学才真正开始进行。以孩童外貌置于身体和心理每日变化着的同伴之间一直困惑烦扰着我:差异所带来的封闭和张扬。幼年时开始的独处在这期间得到更坚实的贯彻;内心浸染着周边青春期男女的影响,总在尽力地尝试去扮演一个“成年人”角色,抗拒着“顺应自然”。双重错位持续了整个畸形发育的青春期,我的许多性格缺陷也形成于此时。
将这段认知累积、内心空虚、从未有过自主想法的时期称为“总角之年”比“青春时期”要恰当的多。
森山大道说:“如果真有一段可以称之为青春的岁月,我想,那指的并非某段期间的一般状态,而是一段通过青涩内在,在阳光照射下轻飘摇晃、接近透明而无为的时间吧。也是被丢进自我意识泛滥之大海时所遭遇的瞬间陶醉。换句话说,那是一种光荣的贫瘠、伟大的缺席。”
凝视彼时目之所及的那场地、物体、事件,回溯着似未曾改变的一切,它们绝不只是空虚的无意识产物,也全程参与了对当下“自我”的塑造过程,“我”从此处来。这校园、街道及家庭所组成的巨大容器内不仅混着时间和记忆,还有无数被碾碎成为碎末并重组的新的“我”,在未来处,我期待着与他们的会面。
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